November 7, 2011 § 2 Comments
There is a meeting of the Palos Verdes Estates Traffic Safety Committee on Wednesday November 9 at 4:00pm at PVE City Hall. The first item on the agenda is traffic calming on Via del Monte. See the agenda at http://www.pvestates.org/Modules/ShowDocument.aspx?documentid=953. Wankmeister will be there and he hopes you will be also. It is important that cyclists are heard to demand that they take us into account in any plans for changes to that roadway. We need to insist that they remove the deadly speed “cushions” near the bottom of the hill. One cyclist has already been seriously injured, and we need to convince them to remove the cushions before another catastrophic collision occurs.
If you can attend the meeting and wish to speak please arrive a few minutes early and fill out a speaker’s slip. You will want to check the box to speak about the item on the agenda “Traffic Calming on Via del Monte.” At the appropriate time your name will be called and you will have three minutes to speak. Those three minutes go by very quickly so think carefully about what you want to say.
Here is a suggested “comment” if you want to attend but don’t have time to organize your thoughts, or if you get nervous speaking in public. Practice it a few times and you’ll win the whole council over in three short minutes:
“Thank you very much for giving me the opportunity to comment on traffic calming on Via del Monte. As a cyclist, I fully support calm traffic. Perhaps we could begin by shooting all of the irate, over-caffeinated, asshole motorists who buzz us, scream at us, and smash into us as we legally try to use the roadways. An effective alternative method for calming traffic is by making the crazy fuckers trying to kill us wear straighjackets, and then dosing them up with huge quantities of sedatives. A small, padded cell would also, I believe, have a calming effect on the nutjob motorists who lurk along the roadways of Palos Verdes Estates.
“It has come to my addition that this fine city, in its laudable attempt to calm traffic, has installed traffic cushions at the bottom of Via del Monte. I learned about this one morning several months ago, as I descended VDM in the wee hours. Although I had a light and am very familiar with the road, you can imagine my surprise when I hit the brand new speed cushions, which were ‘fresh’ and therefore had no warning signs or reflective striping, at the modest pace of 15mph. I did a somersault, trashed my $7,000 carbon frame, and got an exciting trip to the trauma center at UCLA Harbor where they bored a hole in my skull and drained the fluid that had accumulated from the bruised and bleeding surface of my brain.
“Unfortunately, this did not calm me down at all. In fact, it made me mad as hell. What the fuck were you people thinking? I mean aside from the obvious ‘Let’s kill a few cyclists to let them know we hate them and don’t want them here.’ More importantly, aside from killing and injuring cyclists, who came up with the name ‘cushion’? I have a cushion on my sofa and a couple on my bed. They are soft, pliable, and greatly assist my ass from getting sore when I sit, and they help me fall asleep quickly. I have also been known to prop them under my girlfriend’s butt in order to achieve a more satisfying angle. These fucking things on VDM don’t seem to serve any practical effect other than bashing my head against the asphalt. Maybe ‘bash’ is the new ‘cushion.’ But as far as I’m concerned they suck.
“Finally, I’d like to tell all the fine residents of PV who think their shit doesn’t stink—it does. And the sooner you rip these stupid fucking cushions up and start coming down as hard on motorists as you do on cyclists, the better. Thank you.”
P.S. “When’s the last time an irate cyclist ever ran over a motorist?”